Protect Yourself — Checklists for Every Phase

Phase 1

Before you sign a retainer.

Person writing in a notebook while reviewing documents — The decisions you make in the first 30 days will shape the next three years.

Interview at least three attorneys. Treat the consult as due diligence, not an emergency.
Ask, in writing, for a scope-of-engagement memo and a phase-by-phase fee estimate.
Ask how unused retainer funds are refunded and on what timeline.
Ask who on the team does what work, at what hourly rate.
Ask whether they are willing to commit, in writing, to attempt settlement before any non-emergency motion is filed.
Ask what percentage of their caseload settles vs. goes to trial. If they can’t answer, that tells you something.
Ask whether a paralegal or associate can handle standardized work (affidavits, discovery responses) at a lower rate.
Ask what the case will cost you not to win — i.e., what a reasonable settlement looks like.
Read the retainer agreement completely. Ask about every clause you don’t understand.
Confirm whether consultations with experts (accountants, counselors, GAL) are pass-through or marked up.

Phase 2

Once the case is open.

Open a dedicated folder, digital or paper, for every invoice. Reconcile line items against work product every month.
Ask your attorney, politely and in writing, whether each proposed motion is necessary now or can wait for settlement.
Keep your own dated log of every significant event with your spouse and children. You will not remember the details two years from now. The court requires the details.
Document communications in writing whenever possible — email, co-parenting apps — so you are not later litigating “who said what.”
Do not speak or act in front of your children, on their devices, in their hearing, or in text threads they can see, the way you would speak in private. Assume everything is recoverable.
Never send a message in anger. Drafts are free. Sent messages are evidence.
Keep originals (or photographs) of every document both spouses signed — even documents that seem unrelated to the divorce at the time. You do not know what will become evidence later.
If you receive a concerning voicemail, text, or recording that relates to the case, preserve it immediately. Back it up. Send it to your attorney the same day.
When in doubt, write it down and date it. Calendars, notes apps, emails to yourself — all count.

Phase 3

On mediation and settlement.

Treat every mediation as a real attempt to settle, not a box to check before trial.
Consider a parenting coordinator, a collaborative-law process, or a private judge — each can radically reduce cost if both sides agree.
If you can reach agreement on even one issue (schools, holidays, a house), lock it down in writing. Every resolved issue is a billable-hour dam.
Be willing to give up something that hurts a little in exchange for ending the case. The math almost always favors settlement over “winning.”
Before a mediation, write down the three outcomes you would accept, the three you would refuse, and the one thing you must have for the children. Hand the list to your attorney.
During a mediation, take breaks. Drink water. Eat. Exhaustion produces concessions you will regret.
Do not sign anything on the day of a mediation if you are not sure. Ask for 24 hours to review.

Phase 4

On your children.

Do not discuss the case in front of them, ever. Not the filings, not the lawyers, not the other parent’s failings.
Keep the transition days — pickups, drop-offs — boring on purpose. Their nervous systems will thank you.
If a new partner is moving into either home, background-check them. Disclose the results. Anything less is an avoidable risk to your children and an avoidable weakness in your case.
Choose counselors and doctors together, in writing, whenever possible. Unilateral major decisions invite motions.
Keep the other parent informed about health and school issues even when you are furious with them. Judges notice.
Do not monitor the child’s phone calls with the other parent. Do not remove the child’s phone as leverage.
If the child expresses anxiety about the case, get a therapist — one both parents have agreed to, ideally.
Expect your children to love the other parent. They are supposed to. That is not disloyalty to you.

A laptop and notebook on a quiet home workspace — Keep your own records. Timeline, costs, agreements. Do not rely on anyone else to keep them.

Phase 5

On safety.

If you or your children are in immediate danger, call 911 first and the lawyer second.
If a new partner in the other household has a documented history of domestic violence or substance abuse, obtain the records through proper channels (public dockets, police reports) and preserve them for your attorney.
If a third party — a boyfriend, girlfriend, step-parent — makes a threat that relates to the case, preserve the recording or transcript immediately and share it with your attorney before doing anything else.
If you are the target of a threat, tell at least one other adult outside the case — a sibling, a close friend — so you are not carrying it alone.
For confidential domestic-violence support, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or text “START” to 88788.
Do not respond to a threat by making a threat of your own. Every word from you can and will be used at trial.

Phase 6

After the final judgment.

Keep the final judgment, the parenting plan, and the MSA in a fire-safe location and in a cloud backup. You will need them for years.
Set calendar reminders for the dates your judgment references: tax-year changes, refinancing deadlines, re-evaluation windows.
Stay current on child support, even in months of disagreement. Arrears compound fast and can open the case again.
Update your estate documents, beneficiary designations, and emergency-contact forms. Divorce does not do this automatically.
Keep communicating with the other parent on a neutral co-parenting app. Delete text threads only if your attorney has reviewed them.
If circumstances change substantially (a move, a job loss, a new marriage, a child’s diagnosis), talk to a lawyer before making unilateral changes to the plan.

Turn these checklists into a living document.

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